I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
