her vagine was all disorganized.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
