The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
