My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
