Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
