She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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