My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
They have beer where we have blood.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
