Ambien. No doubt about it.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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