I heard we made out
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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