4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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