So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
