if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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