Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
