my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
