how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
