well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
