You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
