What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
