a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
