Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
The adults are the big ones right?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
