My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
