my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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