I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
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I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
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I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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