Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
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Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
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I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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