I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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