I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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