maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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