is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
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I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
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after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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