Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
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The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
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So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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