he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
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