first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You may now shotgun with the bride
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
