i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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