Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
