How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
