I think my vagina is haunted
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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