i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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