i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
