She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
