just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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