Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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