I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
