I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
