eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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