If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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