Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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