so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
