im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
