Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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