Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
