On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
