I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Let's get the cat blown out
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
