we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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