Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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