did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
