shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
