I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
there is glitter all over my balls
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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