Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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